Learn how to say ‘no’ on matters important to you
As often happens at the beginning of a new year, for if not then — then when, we make resolutions, [ I admire this custom] thinking and talking about bringing changes to our lives.
For years, I have been a fitness instructor at the Shaker Heights Recreation Center where I meet women who desire to lead a healthy lifestyle and maintain their figures. I share the same goals, however, being a trainer doesn’t mean that one avoids personal struggles regarding physical fitness. In that respect I am no different from the members of my class! I have better or worse days and sometimes just don’t feel like exercising! However, what matters are is what happens on regular basis and above all… what do I regularly put on my plate. Individuals come to me for the workouts but complain, mostly about starting a routine then quickly getting discouraged for the lack of visible results. Trying to exercise and train, changing the diets, not buying sweets doesn’t last too long, for within days they are back to the old habits.
Having ‘transgressed’ by returning to the old eating habits, the given day’s effort no longer counts followed by self blame and attempts to rationalize excuses such as: “I’m unable to do this”, “I’m not your type of a person” or, “This is simply beyond my skills”. Such complaints and excuses are not the worst, the worst happens when a lady arrives, begins the workout with increased enthusiasm, breathing hard and sweating then… gives up. She convinced herself that this just won’t work, it’s out of her range of skills. There is good news, however: we can all do this, it’s just that not everyone has learned how to say “no”…
The biggest problem with trying a lifestyle change is not the lack of the initial desire. There is the will, motivation and planning of the next day’s meals, plus signing up for five training sessions in a row. The problem exists because you are trying to change but your environment is not.
Imagine this scenario: you’re changing your life with the daily determination and consideration of the diet, the five daily meals and the exercise. You’re going on a large shopping spree, and guided by half of the internet, you buy a ton of vegetables, lean meat and dark bread. You join a fitness club, you bake super nutritious kale chips while browsing the internet for the workout outfits. Suddenly, a friend calls with a proposition: “want to go out for a beer and pizza?” Without hesitation, you respond: “yes, sure!” And so it goes…
After the beer and pizza, the guilt kicks in — “I’m supposed to eat healthy!” —but since I already had a beer or slice of pizza, the days effort is canceled, so I might as well have some more and start anew tomorrow. Tomorrow comes with the mode of ‘super fit’ when the phone rings again, this time with and invitation for an ice-cream run. Your response? Of course —YES.
This is now clear: your ‘circle’ is not adjusting to you so you are trying to adjust to it. Your determination is in the back of your husband/partner, your children and friends minds. You want to lead a healthy life style but the inability to say: “no” and the fact that those surrounding you don’t share that desire, causes you to falter then restart, over and over without seeing any results from your efforts. Often, people just don’t accept the meaning of the word. You say: “no, thank you, I’m training today and don’t want to drink” but hear a response “oh, cooooome on, it won’t hurt, you’ll burn it off at the next workout”. In another instance, you announce that you are trying to lose weight and won’t be eating cake, then hear a response “let it go and start tomorrow!”…
And you give in, again. You are trapped in a vicious cycle of attempting to eat healthy but being undermined by those around you. Dining with them, eating sweets and drinking — restarting the effort — showing no results — trying to eat healthy. One can go crazy. Then, there is the loss of self esteem, for you see the fit trainers and wonderful meals on the web, wondering “why they can but not me?” The answer is simple — meal/dining focused life style does not go together with a good figure, and if it also involves a stubborn husband/partner who can’t imagine a dinner plate without a pork chop, you are lost; but this is a subject for another occasion. A pork chop on a Polish table brings to my mind many ideas that could fill a book, and we are dealing here with a short article.
I would be the easiest to just to swap the current friends for new ones those that are fit. But relax, it’s just a silly thought. You wouldn’t throw your husband out of the house just because he likes beer and pork…but maybe you should? However, having said that, it’s not necessary to change people, but instead, set boundaries and learn how to say: “no, thank you!”
Being assertive can be hard to develop — I think I can categorically state that the majority of people have a problem with it. Often, we don’t want to offend anyone when involved in a difficult discussion. We do have to understand, that respecting others’ opinions and choices should be reciprocated by their respect for our opinions and choices. When we agree with friends wishes to join them in a bar or a fast food spot, they need to respect your decision not to drink or order a hamburger. Don’t be afraid to make a stand by sticking to your unpopular decision, and that’s how you can live with yourself. You’re not really in the mood for alcohol anyway, and know it will diminish the workouts effect!
You must remember that you deserve respect just like all other individuals. Don’t allow others to play mind games, and keep in mind that without establishing boundaries it’s hard to succeed. If you allow yourself to be talked into ‘things’ because of feeling awkward, the goals of healthy lifestyle and desired figure will never be achieved. We are not talking about total abstinence from indulging in unhealthy food choices or skipping a workout, but about who makes these decisions. You decide what you want and when you want it, and not those attempting to sway you, for they will not have regrets next day, like you will. Keep it in mind.
Wishing everyone success in fulfilling those new year’s healthy lifestyle resolutions,
Agata Wojno
Translated by Julian Boryczewski